Yoruba traditional wedding: what happens & how to plan yours

A Yoruba traditional wedding, often simply called the engagement, is the ceremony where two families formally join, usually hosted by the bride's family. It is commonly led by two professional hosts, the alaga iduro for the groom's family & the alaga ijoko for the bride's, & moves through greetings, prostration, the reading of letters, the engagement items, prayers & plenty of dancing.

Every family does things a little differently. Customs change between towns, faiths & generations, so treat this guide as a map of what is commonly done, & confirm the details with your parents & elders before you plan around them.

Before the engagement: the introduction

Most Yoruba couples hold an introduction first. It is a smaller, more private meeting where the groom's family visits the bride's family to present themselves & state their intention. The two families get to know each other, share prayers & refreshments, & usually agree on the next steps, including the date of the engagement.

Some families give the engagement list at this stage, while others share it later. If you want to know what to expect from that first visit, our guide to the Nigerian introduction ceremony covers who attends & how to host it.

The alaga iduro & the alaga ijoko

The two alagas are the heartbeat of the day. They are usually women who host engagements professionally, & they run the programme with songs, proverbs, banter & a good deal of theatre.

• Alaga ijoko (the sitting host) represents the bride's family. She receives the groom's family, sets the tone & guides them through each stage.
• Alaga iduro (the standing host) represents the groom's family. She speaks for them, presents their requests & leads them through the programme.

Much of the fun comes from the playful negotiation between the two. The groom's family may be asked for small envelopes at several points, for example to be let in, to greet the elders or to see the bride. Families usually agree in advance how this will be handled, so ask your alagas how they work.

Book your alagas early, & ask each one about her programme, the language she hosts in (Yoruba, English or both), how long her ceremonies usually run & what she needs from each family.

What typically happens at a Yoruba traditional wedding

The order varies, but many Yoruba engagements follow a pattern like this:

1. Arrival & greetings. The groom's family arrives, often dressed in their chosen aso-ebi, & is welcomed in by the alaga ijoko after some friendly back & forth at the entrance.
2. The letters. A young woman from the groom's family reads the letter of proposal, & a young woman from the bride's family reads the letter of acceptance.
3. Prostration. The groom & his friends prostrate (dobale) before the bride's parents & elders as a sign of respect. They may be asked to do it more than once, to cheers from the guests.
4. The bride's entrance. The bride arrives with her friends, often veiled, kneels for her parents' blessing & then goes to find her groom. In many families she places his cap (fila) on his head as a sign of acceptance.
5. The engagement items. The items requested by the bride's family are presented & received, & the ring is placed on the bride's finger.
6. Prayers & blessings. Parents, elders & religious leaders pray for the couple, often holding or tasting the engagement items.
7. Celebration. The couple dance, guests spray them, & everyone eats.

Letters, gifts & the engagement list

The engagement list comes from the bride's family, & no two lists are quite the same. Common items include kola nuts, bitter kola, alligator pepper, honey, sugar cane, salt, yams, fabrics, drinks, a Bible or Quran & a suitcase of clothing for the bride. Ask the bride's family for their exact list rather than copying one from the internet.

Many items carry a prayer. Honey & sugar cane are often linked to a sweet marriage, bitter kola (orogbo) to long life, & alligator pepper (atare), with its many seeds, to a fruitful home. The bride price itself is often treated as symbolic, & some families return it to show that their daughter is not being sold.

How to plan the day with both families

The engagement is a family event first, so planning works best when both families feel heard. A simple order of work helps:

• Agree the date, venue & budget with both families, & decide who pays for what.
• Get the engagement list early, & ask one person on each side to gather, pack & label the items.
• Book your alagas, caterer, decorator, photographer & DJ or band, & share the programme with each of them.
• Choose your colours & aso-ebi, then give guests a clear deadline to order & pay.
• Plan your outfits. Many brides wear aso oke with a gele, & many grooms wear agbada with a matching fila. Some couples change outfits after the prayers.
• Prepare a guest list & a way to manage it, especially if the venue has a fixed capacity.

For the colours & fabric orders, our guide to planning aso-ebi without the chaos walks through deadlines, payments & distribution. For the dance floor, our Gift Shop has hand fans for the aso-ebi crowd & money spray guns.

Managing guests, & family who are far away

Yoruba engagements are joyful & often large, & guest lists can grow quickly. A clear invitation, a firm RSVP date & a way to recognise invited guests at the door make the day calmer for your hosts & your caterer.

A wedding website can carry the engagement & the white wedding on one invitation, with venues, dress code & save-to-calendar. With our Wedding Website, guests RSVP once, & when you approve them their personal entry pass arrives by SMS & WhatsApp. Relatives who cannot travel can watch on the livestream with guest chat & spray you in naira notes from wherever they are.

Respecting the differences between families

Some Muslim families open & close with Islamic prayers, while Christian families may invite a pastor to pray. Some families prefer a short programme; others enjoy a long afternoon of songs & negotiation. Neither is more correct.

If you come from different backgrounds, for example a Yoruba bride & a groom from another part of Nigeria or from abroad, talk early about which customs matter most to each family. A short conversation with the elders before you book anything will save a lot of stress later, & it often turns into a lovely moment of its own.